| It's blood screaming inside you to work its will |
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[05 Dec 2007|02:58am] |
So my roommate that I've previously discussed is getting friendlier and friendlier every day. Not that she wasn't before, but she's very independent and I find her asking me to go places with her or asking if she can go with me and just generally paying more attention to me in general. I think I might be looking to far into things because I could never see myself as her type, but it scares me all the same. I don't want to be sucked into that again.
I won't lie, I am having fun. Its fun to have someone to share secrets with, and trade knowing glances. Its a special kind of excitement to have someone so happy to see me every day.
At the same time I'm so nervous. I know my personality is so open that I can get drawn into just about anyone. At the same time as I'm having fun, its also scaring me.
I was on the phone today and she walked by and held my hand and it scares me. I know she's not "into" me. Its not that. Its that testing of boundaries. Its just...fun. But I'm so afraid of what it reminds me of and so drawn to it for just the same reasons. The beginning is always fun. Its the endings that are hard.
How do I get myself into these things?
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[22 Jan 2007|09:51pm] |
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I'm going to love you forever and even if I love another, it will never be as pure and as intense as my first love. And that doens't bother me at all.
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[05 Oct 2006|12:37am] |
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One of my far-between updates. I wish I was better at keeping up, but I guess it's in my nature to jump around. College is getting better by the day. I've yet to go to a party, I haven't drank more than a spritz of whisky(from a spray bottle..heh). Who knew? I have a set group of friends. Mostly girls. I've still got this crush =D And it's fun. I'm still in love with my other girl. My girl for life. The girl I think I will marry though we are "just friends" but more than friends and we admitt we miss each other's touch. We miss the nights when in half-sleep it was alright for hands to wander and mouths to touch necks and chests and backs. And sometimes when it was okay to fall asleep face to face and if we slipped together...well it must have been a dream, but you can blame you're lingering on fatigue. I miss her in my heart, way down, but its something so strong that bonds us that I know we are inseprable, despite what sometimes feels like a hundred million miles.
And then I have my silly crush. I'd forgotten how fun it was to play and push and test. To make her laugh, makes my heart warm. When she makes me laugh, it makes her happy. She tries her best. I'm easy to please. She's a contact person. I've made it clear that so am I and I've been let in more and more. Foolishly she's been treated wrong by friends and boyfriends. I cna tell she's slightly guarded. I try and do little things. People like the little things. I went to the store and picked up her favorite candy. I offered to help with her art. I tease her in the nice way. I meet her eyes during movies. She's one of those people, who if she has seen a movie before and you have never seen it, she will look over at you at the good parts to see how you react. I love when people do that.
No matter how many people are in the room she always looks at me. =D
She touches my hands and my legs and gives me hugs. She came up to me in the bookstore when we were in line, wrapped her arms around my shoulders and "humped" me. We laughed, then we saw a man in front of us looking at us weird and laughed harder. She seems to attract creepy guys. She said I'll have to be her girlfriend when we go out. She sits by me and lets her leg touch mine. Sometimes if I'm sitting there she'll use me as a pillow. I like when we are sitting on the bed and i want to show her something on the computer so she puts her chin on my shoulder.
It's just silly and cute and college. And I hope sometime just to try it out. I'd love to hold her hand and meet her parents. Her parents would accept it if we went to see them holding hands. Our friends would be happy.
College is not like high school and I like it =D
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[29 Aug 2006|12:36am] |
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I know I haven't been here a while, but I felt like writing tonight. College is...diffrent. I've met some people that I find facinating. And I guess I will have to admit to you that I have a crush. =o. Yes. I do.
And well.
It's a girl. =/
Oh....
and she's straight... I tend to screw myself over. But shes a really sweet person and I still have hopes of maybe winning her over, but now I get nervous sometimes. I just try and be sweet and myself. I make death threats I don't mean and give people cookies. I'm the biggest softie.I just don't know what to do.
I want to be pretty, but I don't know how!
I'm getting more in shape and losing weight and I dunno how to be..attractive..to a straight girl..lol
Oh man.
I'm so crazy.
She says she really supports gay rights, so I know she's all right with that. She's the kind of person who walks right next to me and bumps into my arm and stays pressed there and doens't mind it and neither do I.
She has soft hands and I like when she touches my hands.
She has beautiful eyes.
AND SHE IS SO DAMN STRAIGHT.
Why do I do this?
What the hell? Where are the boys? There are no boys around here. grr. Those at least like girls. I just wanna be normal for once!!!!!
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| At least on a rollercoaster you can see what's up ahead |
[28 Jul 2006|04:08pm] |
My life has again shifted gears. I don't really feel like making a post, but I do want to tell you all that things are okay.
I don't know how it happened. There was no apology, no stopping point. One moment I was in the dark cave, lost, alone and frightened. Then she walked by, flipped on the light and said "Well what are you doing in here?"
And we went to dinner.
And a movie.
And I stayed at her house and this, though no one but me would realize it, is where I knew she was sorry and had let a moment get the best of her and we had both suffered for it.
Around two we crawled into her bed and she pulled me next to her and clung on to me, front to front, arms wrapped, legs merging. We fell asleep nose to nose, and then mouth to mouth. It wasn't a kiss, it was a...sharing.. how do I explain? It was a specific occurance, in the last waking moments it was just something that happened on accident and was alright and perfect.
I know it doens't sound like much compared to what I've described to you, but let me explain it this way. My pain had words, I could lay it out and explain it to you.
This love and happiness I couldn't begin to explain. It is more than words and bigger than me and its inside and outside and filling me up.
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[19 Jul 2006|11:20pm] |
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Sometimes I just want to grab you and yell "bad friend!" and shove your nose right in your obvious blunders b/c they are so frequent and so hurtful. If you say you will call someone, then call them. Its as easy as that. I feel pretty much like shit.
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[18 Jul 2006|11:06am] |
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I love going to my friends page and seeing how EVERYONE has "Imagine You and Me" icons. Lovely!!!
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[18 Jul 2006|10:50am] |
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We talked about it. That's what we call the incedent. "It". I guess I'm too embarassed to say "that night I kissed you". Oh well =D. So I asked if we should try it, very long conversation. We talked about a lot of things. Including the nature of our relationship, which I'm not sure about but she admitted we're "Diffrent than most best friends" but she said she likes it that way.
Anyway, the kiss thing.
She said it would be interesting and she is sort or curious, but she said she didn't want to for two reasons. First she didn't want me to regret it some day in the future, since it would technically be my first real, both people involved, not on accident, kiss. Then I asked if she didn't want to b/c it would be weird, and she said no. She said she DIDN'T think it would be weird and then that would be even weirder.
So I'm okay with it. I mean there might be times. I still wish I could, but I think I will be okay with out it. I'm just glad we got to talk it all over before we lost the chance.
She's so beautiful.
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[17 Jul 2006|02:37pm] |
it was fun.
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. (I miss somebody all the time!) |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
✓ I own lots of books. |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
✓ I love to play video games. |
✓ I've tried marijuana. |
| × I've watched porn movies. |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (realtionship? what's that mean?) |
× I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. (ASS) |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
✓ I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. (dissection blade!) |
( it goes on... )
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[09 Jul 2006|01:40am] |
Alright, so in honor of my newfound love for "Imagine Me and You" I've decided to write a short little thing of something I could see happening after the movie has taken place. Its just b/c I'm craving more and mayhap something a little wilder ;) Rachel has moved into Luce's flat. Just a nice wholesome little thing..hehehe
( Read at your own risk, I'm not that fab a writer )
Alright, pretty cheesy, but hey, I'm 18, I need to write soft porn now and then.
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| In case you hadn't noticed. (Or me trying to figure out what to say) |
[07 Jul 2006|11:47pm] |
Well, I guess there's something I should come clean about. I know I told you that it was the summer before I knew I loved you, but well, thats not exactly true. See, I knew there was something strange going on when, on the bus, that first day, I caught your eye after a whole summer. I didn't even know you then really. Not really. And we got off the bus and you rushed up. And you hugged me. You just...hugged me. And inside me I was in love. I didn't know it then, I wouldn't have said that. I couldn't even until it was summer again and well, it couldn't be denied.
Then you know what happened. I couldn't tell you until the end of summer.
And you were involved.
And I know you weren't serious about him, but part of it was me that caused it all to fall apart. And on one hand I'm sorry.
But then I'm not.
Because you see, I wanted my chance to love you. And I wanted to show you and I thought maybe that after we could...
But we didn't.
And so you assumed I was out of love.
Well, you were wrong.
And this is about as hard as the first time, but I know you better now and I'll use my words this time.
I swear.
So, you see, I'm still in love with you. And we'll be leaving each other soon and I never though I woould tell you this, but I realize how much I would regret it if I didn't. I would regret not telling you that you make me so happy and you make life so beautiful. You are beautiful and you make me beautiful in return.
So I'm asking you now, something I said I wouldn't ask, but now I know I have to because I have to know. And well, you have to know to. I think that there would be something unfinished, something missing and something regretful if I didn't ask you now.
Can I...
Will you....
Can we kiss?
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[05 Jul 2006|12:52pm] |
The more I think about it the more obvious it becomes.
i don't want boys.
I don't want girls.
I want her.
I don't think I'll ever be able to see anyone else as "something" as long as i love her. Nothing else is an option. And right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I've stolen one kiss, I want to be given the next.
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[25 Nov 2005|01:04am] |
I guess this is a last warning to everyone who will listen. do not fall in love, do not give all of yourself to one person. Do not try so hard. You will cry you will fall you will fail. You will be torn apart and shakily sown back together. It is not worth it. The only life lesson I can be pulling from all of this is that life is not much wroth living. Even though I know i will b/c you can't just stop living, but I won't be buckling my seat belt any more or looking to closely before crossing busy streets.
I'm sorry to anyone who has ever hoped. I feel for you.
I hope your lives can blossom and become beatiful where mine has died. Thanks to anyone who ever read this.
This journal is terminate,and as for me,I don't know what life will do to me, but I've given up on it. It can have it's way with me, but I'm not getting caught up in it any more.
Goodbye, goodnight, and mostly good luck.
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[08 Sep 2005|11:54pm] |
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I just can't help wanting her, sexually. Maybe it's her or maybe its me. I can't think of a time when we've been alone that she hasn't slid her hands into my pants tracing and teasing and "accidently" (but more often than not) sliding past there and knucles just seem to be in the way to press against panties.
we slippedinto the cool fdarkness of her room and I took off her shirt. She kneeded her hand on my back as I cautiously slipped my hand down, farther farther, undo the belt, the pants, just a little farther, top of the panties, tracing tracing, and slipping under and for a moment, long enough, never long enough, i brush new territory and withdraw my hand to safer places. just a small touch, but I didn't realize two people would feel so diffrent, i thought it was all the same.
I'm burning up with the thouhgt of her and I'm wary of my actions. Unless I can draw her into it. Can i? I have beofer and made her forget herself. Forget me even, but I don't care as long as I can have her. I want her.
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[21 Aug 2005|11:29pm] |
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I know I usually pay for it later, but my god, do we have fun.
I spent the whole lazy day with her. Studying and such. My, do I LOVE skirts. Half the time I was quizzing her her hand was up my skirt, tracing lines along my thigh or under my shirt trying to undo my bra with one hand. (she's VERY good)
Fell asleep with my bottom lip touching her top one.
Looking now at the doodles she drew in highlighter all along my pantyline. Heh. ;)
She took my cold hands last night and slid them into her pants and placed them against herself and let me cup her there, fingers slightly curled, while she smiled into my eyes and I warmed up.
I love these weekends, when everything feels perfect and I feel like she loves me the world. I know she does always, but its one thing to know it and another to feel.
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| Long hugs goodbye and accidnetla kisses |
[17 Aug 2005|08:33pm] |
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She was over for a while today, about 30 mins maye. Still wonderful, and as we were hugging goodbye I turned to kiss her cheek just as she turned to kiss mine and a quick accidental kiss ensued! It was maybe a moment, but we both blushed and she planted a large sloppy kiss on my cheek to show how silly we were for being so shy sometimes. I love those moments. Torture for later maybe, but heaven for now.
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[14 Aug 2005|12:15am] |
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Well kids, do you ever get tired of waiting for life to straighten out? Does it ever or is it always just tangled up and nothing can really ever be alright. I mean people are like knives. They are so pretty and fun to play with and sometimes yu like the patterns they make, but they sometimes hurt other people. And you're afraid to show what you've used peple to do to yourself b/x its wrong to use people to make you feel good or pretty. Its wrong to be so addicted to people like addicted to that one sharp edge. I'm not reall making any since.
I'm not advising you I'm telling you: Never ever fall in love with some one who will not love you back. And if for some stupid reason you do. Don't tell them. You will only hurt or scare them and it will give you a stupid since of hope. Don't do it, it's not diffrent with anyone. Don't listen to happy endings. If someone isn't already in love with you they won't ever be. People don't change and love never really dies so save yourself while you can.
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[03 Aug 2005|02:22am] |
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I just got done reading the next installment of an AMAZING hermione/Ginny fic, called "La Corbe de tes Yeux". Its so dead on to how I wss pre-kiss with my lovely best friend. It really reminded me of one night in the cabin. I was laying w/ my head in her lap And her bent over me. Nose to Nose. I thought we weere oging to kiss then, I felt electricity running crazy wild through us. It was so warm and perfect and her breath on my cheek. Later she told me she had wanted to kiss me then, but only would have, had I been a boy. I guess I neevr really got that. She said sometimes she did want to kiss me, but only b/c she forgot I wasn't a boy. I still wonder about that.
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[03 Aug 2005|01:28am] |
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GUH!
Damn
Damn
Damn me.
Why am I so...this way?
I want her, I want soft kisses and understanding looks and that way she softly put her hands on my waist and coaxes me into dance.
But I also want boys. Strong boys with muscles and long hair and laughing eyes, who will grasp me and hurt me and swing me around, like she never could. Sometimes I want big clumsy hands, not so sure of mine.
Really I just want to be wanted, like we all do. I'll never know what's wrong with me. I'm not hideous, but boys don't like me that way. I've neevr been someone's girlfriend or crush or even maybe. Never even kissed. Pathetic.
Loser.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Undesirable
Guh... sometimes I'm just so...mad at myself.
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